Boyfriend Tracking Android App…Teren Teren!!

Greetings good people of the web!! Trollfather in the hizouse, madd ma-yo yo up in this kerea!

Today, I will write about an app I came across on the Google Play store 2 days ago. I would have written about it then…but I had to think hard if I wanted to kill mpango ya kando vibes for every boyfriend/hubby/fling of babes that’ll read this. Nick-wasting time #LetUsGoCozLegoIsSo2012

The App name is ‘Boyfriend Text Message Spy App’ by Vintage Media Associates.

So…I will copy/paste the description of the App and then…I shall share my thoughts.

“You’re not saying you don’t trust your boyfriend. You’re not even saying that he is being unfaithful. You just want to be able to have peace within yourself about your boyfriend’s whereabouts.

Why isn’t your boyfriend answering their phone?

Is your boyfriend really where he says he is?

The Boyfriend Text Message Spy App is designed to locate your boyfriend wherever he is. Use our satellite tracking service and reveal all. Now, you can rest peacefully knowing he is exactly located at the place he said he would be. No more guessing games on your boyfriend’s location. No more playing hide and seek with your boyfriend. Using the Boyfriend Text Message Spy App puts the odds in YOUR favor.

Simply enter your boyfriend’s cell phone number to receive his exact location.

Download today and locate your boyfriend today!”

TF??!! Ok, this is utter nonesense!! What happened to trust? I’ll tell you where it went…through the fucking window!! Why you may ask? Coz “Niggas be like…eerrmergad I want to chill with the boys but she’ll come over if I tell her where I am”…and girls wont understand that! In fact, they’ll want to talk more than ever if you tell them that. Nothing wrong with talking, lakini…give a homie a break!! Do you want him to boeka with your ass?? I guessed so!!

You know what the worst part is…the app can hack texts from any phone so that the user can receive them. Lawhamercy!!

Back to the App…these people know how just to tap into a girls guilty conscience. They start off by tell them it isn’t wrong to shuku your boyfriend…then BAM!! They ask if you believe if he is where he says he is!! We are!! Promise!! Except after 10 p.m., then it’s a straight lie…with no shame!! Why? Coz we don’t want to come to where you and your friends are…and we don’t want to drop off all 13 of you…and you are probably at Gypsy’s!!

What’s really funny about this app is the comments ladies have left. Kindly ignore the random dude’s failed attempt at diverting attention to it’s secondary/alternate uses in the name of upholding the Bro Code (http://www.brocode.org/)!

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Tena the first one!! Good Lord!! Ati “In today’s world this kind of apps are the must to protect oneself and the closed one’s. I love him so I am using it on him.”! Talk about justifying one’s actions with such a lie!

Anyways, sorry for wasting you time ladies…this app hasn’t worked on 87% of the phones it was installed on. But still…TF?!

Trollfather out!

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Octo-Troll Like That Like That

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Ladies and Gentlemen!!! This is a Public Troll Announcement brought to you by The Trollfather! Some people have been taking advantage of the ignorance/limited exposure of the public and their fans…and I am here to end it!

I was going through Kenyan artist pages the other day to check for any new releases I may like when I landed on Octopi-nani’s page. I was impressed that artists such as Weezy, Jay-Zed and even Agwambo wore his new clothing line. I was genuinely happy for Number NaneGuy. I mean…He was doing it big…until I ended up on the E! online website for my daily muchene and saw a familiar picture. Took me three days to realize what I had seen!!

This homie…this dude…this guy…is a FAKE!! I felt so insulted…like a mami ingizwad box by a guy flossing daddy’s iPad! I felt so…mind fucked! And for that…I applaud the photoshopper behind the ‘Ivo Ivo Ivo’ clothing line.

Being your friendly neighbourhood Troll…I took the liberty of exposing Number NaneGuy. Enjoy!!

First up is Lil’ Wayne. Notice that even the guy on the right has an Ivo-kerea t-shirt!! Genius! That is all

WeezyTFITwayne

Next up is Agwambo…who apparently has a tattoo on his right arm…ok, this was poorly done. I can do better when high on drugs, taking a dump and watching the bold and the beautiful…3 different levels of euphoria…and I’d still do better!

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Kanye West…the first homie to impregnate the finest Armenian ass on TV…talk about beastialism. Notice how the words on the tee even curve with the material! MIND = BLOWN!!

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Now, this one right here…bought my brain dinner first. The hell?? “Oh, let’s change the colour of the t-shirt and then put words on it…Hell! Let’s even make him more light skinned!”

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I am not a Belieber…that t-shirt should have stayed in the closet with the rest of him! Good photoshop though..if he/she really wanted to impress me…they’d have valishad the mamiz Ivo-kerea hot pants or panties.

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My long-time virtual wife…we had 2 kids together…Kara and Mulwa. This impressed me too because the words curve around her bust. I also just realized she has REALLY short arms.

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Jay-Zed!! HomieDogWoofBowWow!! This is world class photoshoping!! The words allow transparency so you can see the material’s folds and creases…TF?! This photo…is the bombdiggidynodoubt!

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Ah yes, the power couple…Shawn Carter and Ndanu. I have no comments on this…too cute (I don’t use this term loosely) of a picture to say anything.

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Having Trolled…I shall end on an unexpected note…

“Ever wanted to appear in your Crush’s photo? Ever wanted to disappear from a photo? Ever wanted to have bling blings in a photo or to remove a duckface? Well, I am the person for you!! With 1 year experience in photoshopping…I am your best chance at making a pictoral statement! Email me on mutisyandunda@gmail.com for any Inquiries. See some of my works below”

Andrea and her Pals…and myself, just like that.

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My idea of a big family!

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Trollfather out!

Why Skinny Girls cannot Gerrit in My Eyes

Greetings readers….today I woke up feeling quite disgusted by skinny models! Why you may ask?? I had a bad dream! I was getting married to a girl I couldn’t see…and right after the vows and etcetera, she turns and I see the most anorexic mami ever!!! Lawhamercy!! Almost woke up! As in…that honey moon was me and the cleaning lady at the hotel…siwes! No! iKent! Her make-up was too much too!!

Ok…skinny girls have kind hearts if you feel offended…and they are human…but NO, I just cannot!! I need some meat…beauty to me…is curvyness. Curves are what show the difference between a man and woman. What?! You’ll share t-shirts and boob-tops with a skinny girl?

So, back to the story. During the wedding photo-shoot my best-man pointed out my ex…who…can gerrit of course!! No storo for “just the tiiip”…the whole dhing!! And I was like…why?? Why would I have made such a mistake??

My advice: GAIN SOME WEIGHT and BE PROUD OF IT!! And go easy on the make up…aki woiye! And if you can’t gain weight, it’s ok…the whole point of this blog write is to tell you to be comfortable in your own skin…and not to go to extremes of starving yourself or osha-ing your sura in make-up! Usijistress and at the same time usijiachilie!

Despite the awesome advice in the paragraph above…the ranting must continue!! Here are some thoroughly analyzed pics of ‘Skinny babes and why they can not obtain IT’ for ya’ll:

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Stay safe ya’ll…and make her eat something already!

Trollfather out

ChimP Hunting Season

Good looking lady goofing around

Good looking lady goofing around

So earlier today, I had a run in with Chim Obiajulu Khasiani who posted the left half of this photo and said it was “The worst kiss the Kissing bandit has ever encountered”. I mean…if you do have eyes, you can see that she was just goofing around and having fun. But this punk decided he wanted to post a story so bad on that gutter site that he cooked up false stories that had the potential to harm the ladies rep. The TrollFathers got called in and this is the conversation that followed:

· 8 hours ago  Mburu Njoroge · SubscribeSubscribed · Top Commenter · Works at Rubi Décor · 153 subscribers  On his (kissing bandit’s) page, this pic is accompanied by another one that shows this was clearly a goofy jest. Kone Sekou, if you’re going to post something tell the whole story not twist, warp and contort it to fit your immature desire to bring someone down for personal glory. Be professional..just a bit, this is only a gutter press website at the end of the day..but respect yourself a little.  Reply · 3 · Like

· 8 hours ago   Chim Obiajulu Khasiani · Top Commenter · Writer at Ghafla!Kenya  Calm your tits down. Yes, calm those your man-boobs down… Now we can talk… Actually, i’ll talk, you just bark. The article is in jest. So stop pretending to be on your Captain-Save-A-*shut your mouth* make sure the lass needs to be saved first! The article is in jest and you can now go slit your wrists! If this our site na gutter press then why take our articles seriously? And next time, conduct yourself with some decorum before talking about respect for self! You wank stain!  Reply · Like

· 5 hours ago   Nelly Wamuyu Thoithi · Intern at Kenya Data Networks  Chim, I think this is an immature and unprofessional response on your part. and I agree with Mburu, Ghafla! has turned into a gutter site  Reply · 6 · Like

· 4 hours ago    Mburu Njoroge · SubscribeSubscribed · Top Commenter · Works at Rubi Décor · 153 subscribers  Hey Chim, if your literacy level was adequate you would have noticed that I addressed the comment to Kone Sekou and not you. Seeing as he has not yet replied to my post, I shall continue to sit here, tulizaing my tits like the product of ejaculate I am. I hope this does not inconvenience your public display of immaturity in any way  Reply · 2 · Like

· 2 hours ago   Chim Obiajulu Khasiani · Top Commenter · Writer at Ghafla!Kenya  Nelly: Like i said, rather than log on to ghafla to spend your days bitching, just get off and stay off. That is an easier solution isn’t it? It will rid me of whiny leprechauns and you of articles such as this. Your days shall be filled with rainbow farts and Elton John ballads! Mburu: Trust me when i say my literacy level is way above yours. And i shall not talk about your ejaculate… i shall side step the woeful tale of your sperm. With that said, you are the type of bitch other bitches don’t want to be associated with because you believe leaking out of your ass is a solution to global warming. Here’s a tampon now run along and play with your dolls. People like you piss me off because you believe you wrote the book on maturity; listen here your penile parasite, do not stab a man then ask him why he bleeds. You instigate a fight then start shopping for sympathies by playing Captain Save A Bitch? And i do not give a squirt of piss who you were talking to. My team will not be attacked. As for my public display of immaturity, trust me when i say your opinion doesn’t make me shake my penis any more or less when i take a leak! And the reason this response to you is long is because “Your punishment must be severe!”  Reply · Like

· about an hour ago   Mburu Njoroge · SubscribeSubscribed · Top Commenter · Works at Rubi Décor · 153 subscribers  Chim, your fascination with the male reproductive organ is quite profound. Seeing as you brought up the whole wank stain/ejaculate issue, I welcome the news that you have dropped it. I clearly do not know you so my personal attacks can only remain at a minimal level. At this point I would like to applaud you on your objective and logically approached description of me, though I however fail to see where I went shopping for sympathies. Your sound logic in your very appropriate responses is so advanced, I find it hard to follow. Had I written the book on maturity, it still wouldn’t apply in this argument as I can clearly see you have challenges reading. Since I’m that considerate, i wouldn’t invoke something that is way above your below poverty line intelligence. As for the tampon, thanks for the gesture, but I don’t need it. Please return it to your mother. The same woman who raised you to intrinsically know the various types of bitches and their characteristics because clearly she, as with everyone in your family, must be one as well. Thank you for reading through these many words.. I can only imagine how hard it must have been for you.  Reply · 2 · Unlike

· about an hour ago   Mutisya Ndunda Jr · CFO at Exygen (K) Limited  Severe?! This is the weakest response ever with the reasoning of Esther Arunga post ‘eyebrow of God’! First, ChimGuy…relax before you pop a vein and end up in Nairobi Women’s Hospital due to all the bitching you are doing. Second, Captain Save a Bitch…really?? You used that twice…I’m assuming you  are a writer, try and be creative you artsy ejaculatory stain (as you well put it). Third, that is no way to talk to a lady…Nelly, it has turned into a gutter site…stop putting up tabloid-like articles with no truth in them. The lady in the pic, looks good…if you did your research well. Lastly, I have a few stories you could do…I will list them down: 1. How your team is full of Ejaculatory stains with so much emotion it makes the notebook look like Rambo: First blood! 2. My search for new insulting vocabulary. (I wouldn’t be shocked if you insulted me with the same vocabulary you used on Mburu) 3. My quest to grow a pair 4. My addiction to man-boobs & 5. I am the Queen of Hi5…coz I just got owned on Facebook   P.S- Let me take you back to when you were a nobody (highschool…not like you are somebody now…just a tabloid writer)…this should teach you not to ruin someone’s rep just because you need a story.

Dedications:

Snoop Dogg & Dre – Bitch Please

SouthPark Allstars – Suck my balls  Reply · 1 · Like

· about an hour ago   Mutisya Ndunda Jr · CFO at Exygen (K) Limited  Ahahahahaha!! This Chim character deleted my comment too!! Such a bitch ass nigga…grow a pair man…then go tea bag your team during your weekend sleep overs! Hahahaha! As in…they deleted the  comments…wah! How weak are these guys Mburu?? Arent they artsy ejaculatory stains that SHOULD be quick on their feet/keyboard?? Ey…ey…ey…you…nani…man-boob lover guy…here *holds out hand*…here’s a book on ‘How to be the Queen of Hi5 coz You just got owned on facebook!!’  Reply · Like

· 55 minutes ago   Mista Majani · Top Commenter · Web Developer at Ghafla  Hey guys. It’s not comments being deleted. It’s Facebook’s automatic trigger. I’ve removed it now.  Reply · Like

· 53 minutes ago   Mutisya Ndunda Jr · CFO at Exygen (K) Limited  Goodman…let it be a fair play  Reply · 1 · Like

· 52 minutes ago    Isaac Hunja · Top Commenter · ICT Support at Mazars CPA Kenya  This seems like a conversation between a lawyer (Mburu) and a ChimP. Style up dude.   Reply · 1 · Unlike

· 39 minutes ago   Chim Obiajulu Khasiani · Top Commenter · Writer at Ghafla!Kenya  And the monkey jokes start. stay playing in your gene pool.  Reply · Like

· 7 minutes ago   Chim Obiajulu Khasiani · Top Commenter · Writer at Ghafla!Kenya  Mutisya Ndunda Jr deleted what now? Wharrathese? What’s this your bitching about Still mad i refused to get you that cactus dildo?  Reply · Like

· 6 minutes ago   Chim Obiajulu Khasiani · Top Commenter · Writer at Ghafla!Kenya  Mutisya Ndunda Jr And what the fuck is with your movie references? i like the song dedication bit though, here are my dedications to you Sir Cunt: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O6iBzQXOjPw (I’m a big big girl) and  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R2tl7EzWT-w though it’s not a song, i figure the tampon ad best captures your essencse. Now get off my nuts and run back up the asshole you crawled out of.  Reply · Like

· 2 minutes ago   Mutisya Ndunda Jr · CFO at Exygen (K) Limited  Chim Obiajulu hasiani! aaawww…you are a big girl?? I’m proud you stepped up! I’m good, don’t need the dildo…I get off painting gutter sites with people like you. Y u no like my movie references Mildred? Yes, I dub thee Mildred…after our househelp, coz you remind me of her.

Sir Cunt?? *golf clap* I like how you have stepped up your game…now I can feed you to the dogs without feeling bad…no monkey business (pun intended)   I am known (in cool guy circles you may have heard of when you try to duplicate material from better websites) as The Trollfather. Now, back to your sperm-man-tit-loving self.

First, fuck the 18 generations of your ancestors… you were a waste of sperm! You should have ended up on someone’s chin as a cumshot! We all sprang from apes, but you didn’t spring far enough! Tell me…do you still love nature….despite what it did to you? That explains the bitterness towards awesome people like Mburu,Isaac and myself.

You are pathetic…R Kelly wouldn’t piss on you, even if you were on fire! Being able to defend yourself verbally is a basic skill that many of us “normal” people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are “challenged” persons in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known, that this was your case then I would have never read your post. It just wouldn’t have been “right”. Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.

*mic drop*